I am a continued survivor of anorexia and bulimia.
I suffered in a gilded cage of my own making. I kept the door locked and reinforced with a wide range of flighty opinions from important figures in my life to trends in popular culture.
I mean, I was praised – even idolized for being skinny.
“I wish I had your body.”
“You can wear anything.”
“Enjoy it while it lasts.”
Pop culture was and still is all about getting the thigh gap. Look small. No hips, no thighs, no boobs. Perfectly. small.
If I gained 1 pound I was fat. My clothes would start to get tight. The scale would scream at 90lbs that I was FAT.
If I was fat then I wasn’t pretty. If gained a pound I wouldn’t blend and people would notice me because I was fat.
That prison stood strong, deafening, and confining for 5 years.
Denial. Anger. Awareness. Acceptance. Love.
Those were the 5 phases I went through to get to back to Me who was completely lost.
Here is what each stage sounded like.
- Denial – I am eating; just not hungry right now. Those two bites made me full. Eating less today so I can eat more tomorrow. Don’t get carried away with eating too much, I’ll get fat.
- Anger – I am fat. How could I let my self gain 5 pounds? I don’t have discipline. I am so out of control. How could I do this to myself? I am soooo fat.
- Awareness – I can’t continue living a life like this. I can’t go out and eat with my friends without puking in my room first. Can’t eat anything unless it’s planned. I can’t live a full life without worrying all the time about what I am eating and how it’s going to make me fat. ALL. The. Time. How am I supposed to enjoy living and partake? How am I supposed to contribute to this world if I am so worried about a stupid word? About what other people think of me based on what I look like?
- Acceptance – I have an eating disorder. I need to stop.
- Love – My body is mine. Fat or skinny, my body is my house. It reflects where I am in my life. It is the shape it needs to be to support me. We work together. I love my body and respect all the work it does to keep me alive and thriving.
And Today and everyday I remind myself in small ways that I accept who I am.
I eat what I want and how much I want whenever I want. I take pictures. I blog. I work. I support my friends. I love my family.
When I hear a small voice even going back there I yell at myself to snap out of it and whisper Fat isn’t a dirty word.
It’s a reminder that my body is Mine.
I am living.
This post was prompted by Confess